So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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