People with herpes should wear stickers.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
