im so drunk with asians
where?
always
is wine microwaveable?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
