And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
