It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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