Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
