Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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