I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
