the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
