Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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