I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
