last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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