either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Michael Bay diarrhea
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
