She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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