nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
