who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
