here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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