fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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