I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
