i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
