somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
