Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My penis needs a shock collar
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
