At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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