I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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