dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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