Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
