Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
