So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
