Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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