I faked an abortion last night.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
