Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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