I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
