I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
