The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
