we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
