A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
