i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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