I just pynch a tree in the face
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My balls are so social today.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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