my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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