Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
