Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
