so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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