just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
