Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
