I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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