I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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