I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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