the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
