I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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