We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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